Dear Reese,
Years ago, Dr. Brené Brown teaches me about ‘foreboding joy’: "the feeling when joy is quickly followed by worry and dread.” I remember her describing looking at her sleeping child, and she’s happy one moment, but then the next, is flooded with worst-case scenarios.
This happens to me often now that I am your mama. I am grateful I have Dr. Brown’s wisdom in my head to try to snap me back to the present. It’s scary to feel joy. Incredibly vulnerable.
I hold you tonight wrapped up in a towel post bath while we brush your teeth, and tears come to my eyes as my brain briefly spirals. A thought pattern of how much I love you that steps right off a cliff into the terror of losing you. But if I walk it back, I’m just feeling grateful and filled with love for a simple moment together. Joy, minus foreboding.
Love,
Mama