Dear Reese,
My mood oscillates wildly today. Which, by the way, is a phrase I enjoy. Oscillate wildly. It was the title of a Merlin fanfiction I read a decade ago, and it’s always tickled me. (*resists urge to not immediately go reread that fanfiction*)
As I write this, I realize how many of my favorite words or phrases come from fanfiction. See: effortlessly.
I digress.
What I mean is, my mood is all over the place. I’m buzzing with potential future plans, checking emails, making spreadsheets, even on a night of interrupted sleep (insomnia’s fault, not yours).
My head is a fantasy one moment and reality-checked the next.
It continues like this all day until the pretty good mood I thought I was in this afternoon devolves into anxiety by evening. Part of this is house planning, all the pieces haven’t fallen into place, though we’re so close . . . each one a little battle. I get an email from the bank before your bathtime and respond to it while you fuss on my lap. The email doesn’t make me feel any less anxious (if anything, more so). The way you’re crying for my attention doesn’t make me feel like a very good parent.
During bathtime, I put on the original Aladdin soundtrack and try to dance some of the knots out of my body while you stare on quizzically. We are leaning into classic Disney for music lately. We did Hercules and Beauty and the Beast the other day.
Once you’re asleep, I try to take deep breaths. I take a shower. Nothing is an emergency. As Cappi always says, keep working the problem. And as I always need to be reminded, my life doesn’t need to be lived in the future ahead of me — it needs to be lived right now. You are good at helping me with that, darling.
Love,
Mama