Dear Reese,
I tell MorMor today that it must’ve been hard for her when I was growing up and she came home from work but work probably was still on her mind. Didn’t her thoughts spin?
Mine do some days, darling. You’re right in front of me, but then I lose myself in frustrated spirals about a work message that I checked from my phone when we got home when I really should take Slack and work email off my phone like I used to but I kept them on after parental leave because I wanted to show I could still be responsive and available so I didn’t drown in new working mom stereotypes that would set me back another year in my career and I only care about my career because of what it can help me give to you and back to that message that wasn’t a big deal but at the same time makes me want to scream.
One big run-on sentence in my brain. Then I realize we are just sitting in the quiet at the dinner table, and I don’t feel like a very good mom.
Last night you woke up crying at 11 pm and wouldn’t go back to sleep for more than fifteen minutes at a time until, around midnight, we moved to the Queen bed in your room together. When I lay you next to me, you scoot and roll until you can burrow into me to fall asleep. It makes up for the way my arm always falls asleep every time I spend the night on that firm mattress.
This evening, I tell you we’ll try to stay in our own beds tonight. I give you Tylenol for the teething pain and hold you a little longer than usual before I put you down.
My brain still spins after you’re asleep, so I waste an hour doing nothing online before taking a shower and then turning on the heated blanket to drape over my comforter. Last night I brought the blanket into your room with me. If I had to be on that firm mattress, my sleepy brain decided I wanted extra heat. You watched me from your crib in the half-dark as I struggled to plug the blanket cord into the outlet behind the armchair. You were strangely patient despite the cries that drew me to you in the first place. It’s getting warmer here, but my body is so tired of any chill that I’m using the blanket more than I did in the dead of January.
Now the magnesium I swallowed kicks in with the heat from the blanket and it’s not so hard to adjust to Daylight Savings after all.
Love,
Mama